If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

- Gene Ziegler

• They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

• Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

• Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

• Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

• Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Backup: Opposite of go forward

Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

Bit: 12 1/2 cents

Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude

Bug: 1. Programmer's term for a feature 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors

Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

Coding: An addictive drug

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Console: What one does to a depressed computer

Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words

Dump: A system programmer's work area

Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative

Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages

Loop: See loop

Machine-independent Program: A program which will not run on any machine

Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer

Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search

On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago

Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)

Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization

User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

8-bit machine: A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)

16-bit machine: A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)